Monthly Archives: March 2013

JO THE BAPTIST OF OTUOKE

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Friends, foes, collective ‘twittering children of anger’, LWKMD contortionists, listen to me and listen good. This might just be the much needed antidote to your ‘sophisticated ignorance.

There is enough to depress anyone lately, that is, if you allow it. For some of us, we just lose ourselves in keypad punches and ‘finger away’ pent-up frustrations.

From the wilderness, sorry, creeks of the River Jordan (Niger, whatever) came a certain Baptist preaching the remission of sins. He had no shoes, ate wild locusts and honey (presumably so, since most of his Countrymen feed better than him). His name is Jo, the Baptist of Otuoke.

Unlike John the Baptist (his predecessor of over 2000 years), Jo the Baptist could work miracles. Like, turning a Company of Zealots (some call them Militants) into Josephs of Arimathea (so rich they can loan you a Mausoleum) of some sorts.

Although the ‘Amnesty’ miracle was birthed by his predecessor, he (Jo) it was who visited the creeks. Thousands of ‘repentant’ zealots came down by Warri River to lay down their Mark 4s to study War no more.

Alas! The Creeks still bleed and pipelines get punctured every now and then, but it is not the Ministry of Jo to end that, there cometh One after him who would baptise y’all with brimstone and fire!  Amen, Somebody, anybody!

Some Kings of the North heard the feat of Jo and pleaded for him to repeat the same Miracle with another group of zealots in the North who have held the region/religion hostage…..Alas! He could do no mighty works there because of their unbelief except a heavily guarded visit.

Bar(awo)Alams was a notorious Robber/Insurrectionist, yet Jo the Baptist a la Pontius Pilatus style, freed him  and delivered himself to be crucified in his place.

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Unlike intolerant John the Baptist, Jo never called the Religious Leaders of the day Brood of Vipers! (Pauses before LWKMD contortionists decide to read the 4D into this logic).

Jo is married, and miracles run in his wife’s veins too, like: Coming to life after being dead for 7 Days, making an entire nation laugh through the power of her spoken words (English). As a matter of fact, it is the Writer’s opinion that Dame Lazarus la Stella Maria should write a book, and she should be canonized alive! (Caveat, Contortionists).

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Jo has disciples, mostly sworn to do even greater works. You all probably grew up reading how Jesus fed 5000 (Five Thousand) People with 2 little fishes and 5 loaves of bread and you wondered in awe. Well, have you heard of 1 Million Naira (about $6300 /£ 4150) ‘Mr Bigg’s’ Lunch for Six (6) Party Chairmen! Those who criticized him have no inkling what God’s Will is! (Beware, pun creators).

Jo loves the poor, probably more that the Poor Man of Assisi whom the current Pope is named after. He is frustrated about the Miracle of Subsidy which does not benefit the poor but only benefits the affluent Middleclass. But the people spoke of stoning him the last time he tried to stop the Miracle.  But then, perhaps the bigger miracle is the Palliative Miracle which only the eyes of faith can see…Dear Reader, if you can/have not see/seen this miracle, kneel down, repent and be baptised by the great Jo of Otuoke!

Jo really wants to be like Jesus, he just seems to have his own terms of aspiration. Jesus was hated by the Religious leaders of the day because he hired a Tax Collector and even dined with one. If you are not familiar with Judeo-Roman history, you just might find it hard to understand why the Jews hated Tax Collectors. They (the Tax Collectors) were the ‘Face’ of their Roman Oppressors. Worst part is that the Tax Collectors were not Roman, they were fellow Jews! Tax in those days, wasn’t anything like the modern Pay As You Earn, even though the trend is similar. Conquered territories were forced to pay their new ‘Masters’ from their toil and a Tax Collector was appointed from among the conquered tribe.

These ‘Tax Collectors’ love their Jobs and are more than eager to please their Masters. They lived under the delusion that they were a superior race to their own fellow Jews….this is not some history lesson; abegi if you still can’t figure, ever heard about the ‘House Negro’?

These Tax Collectors abound today, they are the face of an Oppressive Government that never had to clash Swords nor run Chariots to Rule. Have you forgotten so soon these very words: “We can’t pander to threats of the people we RULE”? If you’ve forgotten who said that, to whom, on what occasion, then you just discovered why you sucked at Religious Knowledge and History at the Secondary School Certificate level!

Jo dines with Tax Collectors, but unlike Jesus, whose presence was enough to convict Zacchaeus about his life of extortion and make him commit to returning extorted funds. What I fail to understand about Jo is how BarAlams would be said to have shown remorse without any announcement of returned loot! But then, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I am yet to fully grasp what remorse/repentance is all about, maybe the rule is, steal, don’t get caught, if you do, Pardon is an option.

Maybe BarAlams deserves praise instead of condemnation. Afterall, crude oil production has increased since he held his ‘Attack Dogs’ on the leash. Every Governor that seeks to loot must raise his own German Shepherds, Chihuahuas, Dobberman, call the Dogs by whatever name, Dog na Dog! You can even chose to cross-breed.  Like some did and raised a Monster in the process.

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The Ginger-Cassavabread man is free to ride the back of the Sly Fox to cross the Creeks, I can only hope that Cassavabread man would not morph into Cassavadead man, slain in the midst of the Creeks by his own trusted Dogs/Foxes. (Did y’all read the Ladybird series while growing up? If you didn’t, sorry your childhood is wasted!).

Today, the Daughter of Herodias is dancing, she’s going to dance so well, Herod would make an offer….One can only hope that she’s not going to ask for the ‘Hat’ of Jo on a Wooden Platter!

Footnote: And when the Gas Flare sinks at last behind the Creeks of Old, Peace to this young militant, that comes with Bombs of Words…

 

-QWERTYTYRANTINO appears on Twitter as @plumbtifex

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